What If
by ServantOfFate65
Summary: We all know the Naruto manga and anime plot. But I wonder WHAT IF some changes were made to the story? Warning: Humor and SasuNaru abound.
1. Teachers

Warning: BoyxBoy love (Gays, **imbeciles**) and OOC Jiraiya. Beware. Sasunaru

Pairings: SasuNaru (rocks my world) KakaIru (rocks my socks) ?Saku (vote)

Disclaimer: None of this mine, except the plot. If someone else has done this, you've probably done it in a SasuSomeoneOtherThanNaruto way and I don't read those. But I apologize if it's out there, but it's too late now.

SOF: Why, hello my darling readers. One night around 2:00 A.M, kept up by insomnia and my mother's constant chatting on the phone (and she says I'M bad) I started wondering about Naruto manga, and all about **what** would happen **if**…

And so, this ficcy was born! Of course my muses hog all the credit but it was really me all along. Really. 'cough' …anyways; this chapter of **What If **centers on….TEACHERS!

Really, what would happen if Kakashi hadn't been the Team 7 leader? I have no clue, so I'm making up these odd little skits of the 3 Sannin teachers. Now my dears, when you review (**and you WILL review) **I challenge you to actually type in there which teacher you liked best, because at the end of ALL my chapters (or at least after 5) I'm going to take something from every different one and create my own little one-shot story from that. 'Kay?

Great! Now meet our lovely…errr….guests.

Naruto: You mean HOSTAGES you --------

SOF: I choose to censor that comment. 'smiles' Our "guests" are-

Sasuke Uchiha

Kakashi Hatake

Iruka Umino

Itachi Uchiha

And that's it!

Naruto: HEY! STUPID YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!

Me: ah, but Naruto, you stated very clearly from the uncensored part of your sentence that you were a "hostage". It's true; I did drug you and tie you up in that chair but everyone else came out their own blackmailed/bribed free will.

Kakashi: Who can argue with 3 new books?

Iruka: That is NOT a book. Sorry Naruto, but she asked so nicely and this certificate stating she'll teach class for a month is really too nice to pass up.

Itachi: Blackmail. 'glares' Ask and I'll slaughter your clan.

Sasuke: I'm here to kill Itachi, nothing else. Not for any other reason.

(inwardly curses stupidly putting his diary in such an obvious place)

Me: and that's the high and low of it.

Naruto: I feel so betrayed.

Me: Don't worry, dozens of fan clubs around the world (mutters: and Sasuke) love you.

-

Team 7 waited in the room. 'This is so stupid,' thought Sasuke aimlessly glaring at nothing. 'All the other teams have left by now and I'm stuck with these morons. I'm supposed to be on a team with them? Oh please, Sakura will just be an annoyance and I don't even want to start with Naruto.'

Sakura stared up at the ceiling; even her crush only a few feet away was forgotten as slowly her patience dissolved. 'Uh, this is so boring! What's wrong with our sensei, they should be here right now!' Inner Sakura yelled with a fist furiously raised defiantly in the air her own comments. 'Whoever's that rude doesn't deserve to be a Jounin, let alone our teacher! The jerk!'

Naruto was left staring at the door from his perch on a chair. 'Geez, this is so stupid! Where the heck's our teacher at! I give him five more minutes before giving him the old eraser routine.' He turned and glared at his rival. 'I bet Sasuke plotted this all along in order to stop my dream of becoming Hokage! I won't let him stop me! He's going down!'

Sasuke paused in his glaring of random objects (it was an eraser actually) and glared back at the stupid annoyance. Couldn't that moron be serious for even one second of his noisy, idiotic life? ...Nah.

Just as they were about to engage in another stupid, senseless battle of wills the door slammed open with a bang, causing Sakura to shriek and fall of her chair, Naruto to fall facedown to the floor with a loud yell, and Sasuke to momentarily freeze.

Jiraiya, one of the three legendary Sanin of the village stared at them with an unimpressed look on his face. "This is going to take some work," he finally said.

(Insert five years)

"Naruto!" yelled Sakura in her red-and-black-barely-there-dress. "Come on! We're gonna be late!" Next to her, Sasuke in his usual outfit (but a bit more fancy and different colors) tapped his foot impatiently.

"Oh, don't smear your lipstick Sakura!" came Naruto's muffled yell through the door. "Pervert teacher is out of town so no missions! Anyway, if he shows up, just tell him we're not genin anymore and this training is optional! I'll only take five minutes… at most…"

Sakura snorted. "That's what you said twenty minutes ago, idiot! Either you come out here now or Inner Sakura's dragging you out by the roots of your hair!" Inner Sakura cracked her knuckles gleefully. In a couple blinks later, Naruto came popping out, slamming the door behind him.

'Thought so,' thought Sakura gleefully before shoving Inner Sakura to the inner confines of her mind until she reached their destination.

"Geez Naruto," she heard Sasuke say behind her, to Naruto, "Could you get any more…" He paused, evidently searching for proper terms to describe Naruto's outfit. Sakura felt his pain.

"What?" came the jeering question. "Want me to wear an orange jumpsuit? It would bring back such memories." Sakura could just SEE that sarcastic grin on his face without having to turn around,

"NO!" they both screamed, even Sasuke. Naruto cracked a grin, propping his head back triumphantly. "Thought so," he muttered, evidently to himself.

Sakura shuddered just THINKING about that THING. Thank goodness, Jiraiya had been able to knock some sense into him. It was the third best thing he had done for them (the first knocking Sasuke out before letting Orochimaru have him and the second passing on his…appreciations).

Sakura let a small, evil grin drift on her face. She remembered when she was young and uncorrupted. Thankfully, that didn't last very long.

(Flashback)

Jiraiya smiled cheerfully at his students who were a bit tied up at the moment… literally. Sakura was having her hands full containing Inner Sakura, Sasuke was literally seething (he suspected if he so much as poked the boy his arm would be bitten off), and Naruto was well, being Naruto and yelling his head off. He must admit, the kid's vocabulary was impressive. He's met sailors who'd cringed by now.

His bratty students were sitting down at desks, tied to the chairs and well, **were** gagged. Guess he had to give the brats more credit than he thought. Still, come on. Did they have even one iota of sexual drive? Uh, no. He would be sure to fix that.

"Sensei!" yelled Sakura, Inner Sakura finally busting free. "What is wrong with you? Let us go you-" Jiraiya mentally cut her off as he listened to Sakura's and Naruto's swearing becoming less and less original. Hah, he would have never guessed the Pink Brat had it in her.

"Huh, guess everyone's out to prove me wrong," he muttered to himself thoughtfully, purposely ignoring the Orange Brat and the Pink Brat's cries of, "So senile and crazy you're talking to yourself!"…and the like.

As for the other brat well, he eyed him out of the corner of his eye and met a death glare so **glarey** that if glares were weapons the kid would have a whole warehouse of flamethrowers, machine guns, and giant robots armed with killer laser beams. So, this kid was of course not Orange Brat, Pink Brat, or Black Brat but **Spoiled **brat. How fun.

With a shrug, he got down to business. These kids were severely lacking in one critical field of education. "Alright all you brats," he began, straightening himself up, putting a serious look on his face. Instinctively, the genins looked up, shut up, and paid close attention.

"I realize," he began. "That all of you have been to the academy. All you know about being a ninja has been taught to through books or practice field tests, where there was always a teacher looking out for your back making sure their precious student didn't kill themselves with kunai or misplaced traps.

Welcome to the real world. And now, as your teacher it is my duty to Kohana, the village, the citizens of the village, and you to teach you about a subject which your teachers, trying to protect you have failed to show you." He gave them a sly look.

All of them were staring at him solemnly, Uzumaki with wide and eager eyes, Haruno just as eager if a little miffed about the teachers neglecting to teach her such an important subject, and even the Uchiha brat was staring at him intently. Oh, this was going to be so much fun. Maybe he wouldn't kill the Hokage for making him do this.

"The subject, the belief, the **art** of…" he trailed off, holding it out, watching intently as unconsciously all of them were leaning forward to hear the great and mighty secret piece of information that was so obviously highly prized. "The special appreciation that is…porn!" All of the other inhabitants of the room screamed. Jiraiya grinned, having put up with random women's screams, no sound could faze him! None!

(Return to my fake reality!)

Sakura grinned at her teammates as they reached the entrance. "You two have fun and no burning up people, yada, yada, yada. Chow." Without looking back she headed into the club and went straight into the yaoi headquarters secret office. Boy would her boyfriend of the month love her new photos of her two teammates making out.

Sasuke and Naruto stared curiously at each other for a moment before smirking. "Think we should tell her?" asked Sasuke as Naruto put an arm around his waist. "Nah," said Naruto escorting him under their disguised forms. "Better that she doesn't know."

"Pervert," Sasuke accused. "You too, sweetheart," said Naruto cheerfully. Sasuke didn't even have to think. "Duh." Man, how they owed their pervertous teacher. That wouldn't stop them from killing him when they grew strong enough of course. Oh, their poor not-so innocent eyes…

-

Me: Wee! That was fun. I like writing. None of you think I can write angst now though, probably. I can! The stories are just so long I don't want to type them all down. Don't worry (though you probably don't care) I will post them after I finish one of the two stories I'm working on.

Oh, how I adore my Sasunaru! Nothing's better! I'm going to have Sasunaru in ALL my stories. I really will. (sighs). I just went and Narutoified my spell check. Sasuke, Naruto, Uchiha, Itachi, and Jiraiya and every other Naruto names out there ARE NAMES! (Sigh, again).

Naruto: We can HEAR you, you know… (Is blushing) I give that story a 3! HAHA!

Sasuke: (is busy staring at Naruto) umm, 8, whatever.

Itachi:…7

Kakashi: 6, not enough-

Iruka: (hits Kakashi) 8

Me: Yahoo! (Informs audience) I actually got what they thought of my story by rolling dice… What can you do?

Next little one shot is about Tsunade. I wonder what would happen… (Stares off in space and prepares to type). Oh right. Important: In MY story, the Hokage has retired early and sent Tsunade to be the Hokage in his stead. Teehee.

-

The door opened with a bang. The three students jolted to attention. "Who are you?" asked Naruto, staring at the entered woman. Said lady glared. Sasuke stared. Sakura nearly fainted from shock.

"Brat," she began. "I am Tsunade, your Hokage. I've been your Hokage for-" she paused and checked her watch. "15 minutes and 3 seconds." "But what happened to the Old Man Hokage?" yelled Naruto, annoyed the old guy had left without making HIM Hokage.

Tsunade snorted and shrugged. "How should I know? Probably got paranoid in his old age. From what I heard, he's on a cruise in a special Hokage retirement plan." "The Hokages have a RETIREMENT plan?" asked Sakura, surprised.

Tsunade grinned. "Yep. A nice one too. I'm hoping I'll live long enough to enjoy it. Not many do." A silence drifted through the building. Crickets chirped. Birds sang. Frogs croaked. Flies…flew.

"So," Sasuke spoke. "Where's our teacher?" Really, he just wanted to meet the stupid teacher and get this whole introduction thing over with so he could go home and train some more. Really, this whole thing was a waste of time.

Tsunade grimaced. "Well, no teacher was available, so I got stuck with it because I lost a bet," she said bluntly. The three stared. And stared. And stared. I think you get the point. Let's move forward!

(The Next Training Session)

The three genin sat in front of the desk. "Hey, old hag! How are we supposed to train in an office?" The lady grinned and pointed to a large stack of paperwork. "That," she said cheerfully, "Is your mission. Finish all that paperwork before lunch break and I might feed you. Otherwise you will go hungry."

Ignoring the gaping stares, she walked out of the room and locked the door behind her after sticking her head back inside the room. "Damage anything in this room and you pay for it with community service! And-" she added. "That means ALL of you get the punishment. You have three hours. Bye!" And the way was shut.

Naruto sighed. "Geez! What a-" He paused and looked at his teammates who were glaring with eyes of doom. He laughed nervously and backed away slowly (predators can sense your fear) "Guys?" and they pounced.

(5 Minutes Later)

"Guys…I still don't get it." Inner Sakura screamed and even Outer Sakura looked on the brink of murder. Sasuke sighed, and did his best to keep cool. 'Keep calm, torture idiot later, COMMUNITY SERVICE, breath, breath…' Whoa. What HAPPENED while I was eating ice crea- while we were gone through the magic of the fast forward button?

"Dobe," said Sasuke through gritted teeth ("Hey!") "You are tied to the chair because there is no way I- Sakura is doing community service. I don't care either way, of course, but I thought you might SHUT UP! The reason you'd get us community service is because you would break something, like you usually would!'

"I already know that!" whined Naruto. "I just wanted to know why both Sakura and Sasuke had rope in their pockets!" The remaining members of the team flushed, and looked away (Sakura looking at Sasuke, Sasuke looking at Naruto, and Naruto looking at… the ceiling.)

"Wasn't there something we were supposed to do?" asked Naruto suddenly. The three pondered this. "Paper work!" screamed Sakura and Naruto while Sasuke turned an unhealthy shade of pale…

(Two and a half hours later)

"Ma ung es ore (my tongue is sore)," moaned Naruto. "Ma 'ack es iff an- (my back is stiff and-)" Sasuke stuck an envelope in front of his mouth and he licked the seal obediently before continuing his whining.

"Ah em ired an ored an ah em ona ick or- (I am tired and bored and I am gonna kick your- ). Lick. "I em I uck ih is upid ob?" (Why am I stuck with this stupid job?) Silence.

Sakura silently prayed with Inner Sakura that Naruto would just SHUT UP and if she heard him whine unintelligible complaints ONE MORE TIME she would DO SOMETHING awful. She just knew it. With a 'calming' breath (those lying yoga videos!) she finished examining the report on the inefficient number of fire hydrants on 546 Little Hobbit Lane.

These requests were so stupid and the names so weird she almost thought that some higher deity had decided to punish her by making her do fake paperwork. She chuckled to herself silently, shaking her head. No one could be _that_ cruel. She attacked her work with a new vigor. (A/N :…).

Meanwhile, Sasuke took the next piece of paperwork from the stack (which was growing at an alarming rate) and stuffed it in an envelope. If by stuffed you mean that it was carefully folded EXACTLY on the line and the folds were carefully pressed so that when you opened it there would be no obvious creases.

If he was going to be stuck in an office with a loud mouthed fool and a pink haired nuisance with a lame mission, the least he could do was completely accomplish it to the best of his ability. He wasn't going to be the reason some wealthy noble decided to wage war upon Kohana.

A mental image of a sniggering Itachi appeared in his mind, and he forced it down gritting his teeth. Nothing was going to distract him. Even if this mission was stupid and pointless. At least Naruto had shut up.

"Ith is the upideth mithon evea! Ith ather ase a at!" (This is the stupidest mission ever. I'd rather chase a cat). Lick. Sasuke groaned aloud this time, pride be dammed. This was torture!

(Outside the Office)

Tsunade stared inside through the one way mirror, a smirk on her face as she absently shook the cup with dice in her hand, enjoying the sound it made. Heheheh…the brats were falling for it perfectly. Their system wasn't too bad either. Sakura sped read the document and signed a brief response, Sasuke folded it in the envelope and poor tied up Naruto licked it shut.

Huh. She would imagine licking envelopes for that long would be rather painful. She shrugged. Oh, well. At least he would appreciate his secretary if he became Hokage. She eyed hers out of the corner of her eye, who was apparently doing the real paperwork.

Tsunade wondered what they would do if they realized the paperwork was fake. She snorted, knowing their responses already. In torture methods she was original, if she did say so herself (she did). At least this way, they would never complain about mission reports.

(Insert like, fifteen years)

Naruto eyed his genin team as they squabbled in the Hokage's office- HIS office and grinned, fiddling with that picture on the wall that NEVER stayed at a straight angle. The three of them had a good system going on in there; they might even get halfway done.

"Your secretary is working on paperwork," said Sasuke from behind him. The Jounin had a habit of sneaking behind him at random times. Naruto absently wondered if it was a game- See-How-High-You-Can-Make-The-Dobe-Jump. He wondered what the record was.

"So," muttered Naruto, as he concentrated his attention on the little worker ninjas in the room ahead. "What's your point?" Really, was he as immature as they were at his age; Kameko was putting Shina in a headlock with Mamoru watching with wide eyes as the prettiest girls in school attempted to pound the heck out of each other. Nah.

"If the secretary's working on paperwork what are _they_working on?" asked Sasuke, persisting. Naruto snickered as Kameko pulled Shina's hair and fell off her chair; what cute kids.

"Oh, some papers I found from some law firm that ran out of business ages ago," answered Naruto off-handily. "Hey, do think that Mamoru will snap out of his shock long enough to realize they're ripping not only each other's hair but random pieces of paper? Bet you the electricity bill he doesn't."

"Bet you the water bill and the new window replacement for the old one on the upper story that Tani broke playing freeze tag with shuriken that Shina crashes into the cabinet. Oh, and sadist."

"Deal. And don't be cruel; Shina's aiming to be the best girl Hokage ever and she needs to gain a respect for secretaries." Sasuke snorted disbelievingly, and winced with Naruto as Kameko tripped over a random piece of paper onto Mamoru and Shina.

Hey, at least Naruto's idea was original. "CRASH!" All three of the team members had crashed into the cabinet- a gift from the Kazekage of Sand. Naruto groaned as Sasuke smirked in triumph- at least he had an excuse for yelling at the brats. He smiled evilly, yes COMMUNITY SERVICE!

-

Me: Whee! Okay I know you don't care but these are the meanings of the names I just found online:

Kameko: tortoise-child, the symbol of long life

Shina: virtue, good

Mamoru: earth

Tani: valley; sweetheart; youth; bull that charges randomly

So, yeah. Hey, where are my hostage-err….pawns-eh, slaves-uhhhh, WHERE ARE MY JUDGES?

(Looks around and sees them arguing whether Naruto really owes Sasuke the water bill and a new window. Smacks head repeatedly against convenient wall and decides to not bother; there was plenty of time to torture them in the next fanfiction and poses to type with an EVIL glint in eyes…)

- (May the torture begin…Fufufu…)

Warning: Serious crack

Blah, blah, blah, Team 7 waiting, you've heard this already. Alright, the three were sitting in the classroom, Naruto and Sasuke were glaring daggers of pain and suffering at each other and Sakura was mentally ranting about the rude teacher they got stuck with.

All of a sudden the wall was blasted open and a weird guy with black hair and snake eyes appeared through the haze. Sasuke was up on his feet immediately with a kunai in his eyes, Sakura was frozen with shock, and Naruto was staring, frozen standing up.

"Hello childrenssss," said the creepy guy. "Meet your new teacher. I like sssnkesss and power, brainy kids with impossible crushesss, said impossssible crushesss who happen to be an avengersss, and misssunderssstood demon-carrying children." He smiled, revealing two pointed fangs.

"Who are you?" asked Sakura, the three still staring, unmoving. The creepy-snake/power/brainy kids with impossible crushes/said impossible crushes who happen to be avengers/ misunderstood demon-carrying children liker smiled and replied.

"Why, I am your new teacher. Hisssssssss." Sakura fainted. Naruto's eyes were dots. Sasuke looked traumatized with horror. Orochimaru (surely you've figured it's out it's him by now) grinned and signaled for Kabuto.

Said doctor/ ninja trotted up obediently and knocked the two boys out with darts. Orochimaru laughed maniacally while Kabuto sighed and left before Orochimaru made him carry the unconscious three all the way to Sound.

"Kukukukukukukukuku, that was easier than I thought! The combined powers of the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the sssharingan, and… a medic nin shall help me in my conquest of SsssEVIL! Sssnakes Eat Viciousssly Insssignificant Life! Kukukukukukukuku…wait! Kabuto! Come back here! I'm not carrying them to Sssound! KABUTO!"

(The End)

-

I am not going to let my twisted mind carry that scenario ANY further. No, no way. Nuh uh. Maybe later. But not now!

Wahoo! Ten pages! So tell me which of the three stories you liked better, if you're bothering to review. My lovely guests/hostage would like you to review as well. RIGHT.

Sasuke, Itachi, Iruka, Kakashi, and Naruto:

"…whatever,"

"…"

"stupid pervert…I mean, yes review!"

"oohh, look, a bird! Is this the meaning of life (reference to AMV on you tube)?

"THERE IS NO WAY I'M PAYING HIS BILLS...OR BUYING A NEW WINDOW!"

Sigh….review!


	2. Vacations

Warning: BoyxBoy love (Gays, **imbeciles**) and OOC characters. Beware. SasuNaru

Pairings: SasuNaru (rocks my world) KakaIru (rocks my socks) ?Saku (vote)

Disclaimer: None of this mine, except the plot. If someone else has done this, you've probably done it in a SasuSomeoneOtherThanNaruto way and I don't read those. But I apologize if it's out there, but it's too late now. I also don't own Burger King Happy Birthday Crown-Hats.

SOF: Me again! The theme for this chapter is…vacation! Come on, they have their hands full with killing evil snake freaks, demon foxes, and winged monkey- oh, wait, wrong story- and assains. Everyone deserves a break! Right, guys?

"You're still here? What's wrong with you?"

"Foolish little brother."

"Would you CUT IT OUT with the bird already?"

"Are all my sins being forgiven? (AMV)

"…they're all insane."

…okay. Anyway, when you review, tell me which vacation you liked best, okies? Alrighty then, let the torture begin! (Cackles evilly). Warning, this chapter is pure crack. Next chapter is going to be more serious (for the most part).

-

It was boringgggggg. It was dumbbbbb. It was **there**. It was…oops, wrong story. It was an absolutely miserable rainy day in Secret Ninja Retreat Beach house. The sun was NOT shining, the birds were NOT singing, and the grass was NOT growing because there was no grass. Duh. Just sand.

And to top things off and make things worse then they already were was the new manager, who the Kohana visitors were sure was some distant relative to Gai. The lady instead of liking green and orange had a passion for plum purple and magenta.

"Ah, the summertime of youth descends upon us in the gloom and nigh of fluorescent rain!" _Florescent rain? _So not going there. "Let's play a game reflecting the joy and frivolity of the evening sunrise!"

"Doesn't the sun set at evening?" interrupted Sakura, unable to let such a stupid error pass without comment. Miss Manager paused and looked at her, her expression turning into one of wide eyed wonder. The boys on the team shot her dirty looks.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, overcome with emotion. "That today's youth may be so punctual and grammatically centered is truly a gift from the stars as surely as the stars are bright phoenixes guiding the way to success if my name isn't-" **(Ooh, a squirrel!)** Oh, back to story.

Sakura opened her mouth to correct her that stars were indeed balls of gas, not 'bright phoenixes' but for some, strange, inexplicable reason, she ended up with a mouthful of chocolate from the side table next to Sasuke and Naruto. However did that happen?

"I'm sure you're right, Miss-" **(Hah! Squirrel has a nut!)** "…what games do you have here?" Addressed lady paused in a 'thinking pose' and replied brightly a moment later, after strange 'thinking music' popped on. I wonder if the gramophone behind the cabinet has anything to do with this?

"We have a laptop!" Ohhhhhhhhh! Laptop! "That'll do." ("I've never heard of a laptop before.") ("I knew this lady was too much like Gai to be sane.") ("Do laptops have anything to do with kissing Naruto?") **(Zzzzz…Squirrel Opera Theater…zzzzz)**

"Okay!" Miss- **(No, Mr. Squirrel! Don't elope with Miss Young and Pretty Squirrel! Think of yours and Mrs. Plain and Not-As Attractive as Miss Young and Pretty Squirrel's children!) Think of TIMMY!)** - returned with the 'laptop'.

"OOH! AHH! SHINY!" Miss- (**Oh the humanity!)** – smiled, modestly as she plugged in the thing to the wall. "It's very modern," she said proudly. "I have connections as well as marvelously good fashion sense and diplomacy, as well as solid financial security!"

Team 7 had the brains to be silent, except Kakashi, who snored loudly from his spot on the sofa. Stupid mentor. "So," said Naruto. "How does this thing work?" Miss – (**How could you do such a thing Mr. Squirrel? How can Mrs. Squirrel ever love again?)** - beamed and enthusiastically went over all the instructions.

By the time she was finished, the entire team knew about the inventor of laptops, the name of laptops in all the worlds known languages, and how squirrels will one day use the internet to take over the world (but we all knew that). All of this they now knew, everything about laptops EXCEPT how to use it.

"Have fun kids!" Miss – **(What's this? Mr. Squirrel's evil twin brother?) **– left the room. "I'm off to exercise in the gym! For as surely as the tide moves with the sun, I shall lose 55 pounds! Away!" The trio stared at each other before nodding.

"Miss" – **(No! Don't believe him Mrs. Squirrel! He's evil! EVIL!) "-**after vacation, never existed." They all shook hands solemnly and a pact was made. Their attention was brought to the computer as a little box popped up on the on screen.

"In five seconds, your pop up fire wall shall be deleted," said the computer in a lifeless metallic voice. Team 7 looked up at each other, then back to the screen. 'What?' "5" "4" "3" "2" "1" "Screw you," counted down the computer.

The little box disappeared. All of a sudden, hundreds and hundreds and THOUSANDS OF MILLIONS of little boxes appeared on the screen inside the little screen appeared. Team 7 merely watched in transfixed, fascinated horror and hid there faces until the flood was over.

After sighs of relief, they turned back to the computer and SCREAMED. Why? Because, their happened to be an advertisement for free porn on the top of the pile and well… seeing these things was different then hearing about them from perverted hermits.

And so, it is to my understanding that Miss – **(He's a liar I tell you!) **– found their fainted bodies on the floor in front of the computer (which had died of overload) with their sensei snoring in the background, dreaming of Squirrel Opera Theater (poor man).

As they promised each other in the nurse's office at the Beach house, this trip never happened. They had blocked it out of their memories and it probably wouldn't have been brought up again if fate hadn't interfered… (Fate: Suffer! Suffer! Mwahahahaha! 0.0)

(Years and Years later)

"Daddy! Father!" called Tani as she raced home. Said parents looked up; Naruto from the huge pile of paperwork from the kitchen countertop (Father wouldn't allow it on the table) and Sasuke from his new book, How to Deal with Hyperactive Children and the Spouse Who Passed It Down. 

"What is it?" asked Naruto, glad to have an excuse from paperwork. Sasuke, sensing this, shot him a disapproving glare before directing an inquiring "hn" to his daughter (it was a family thing). Tani beamed, and opened her bag.

"Look!" shrieked Tani with glee, brandishing her prize. "It's all the rage; the newest invention ever!" Naruto and Sasuke stared simultaneously. Tani felt her grin go wider; they were speechless with astonishment! Maybe so speechless they wouldn't ask how she got it (she knew accepting Jiraiya's deal of placing video camera's in her parents bedroom and giving them to him were worth it! Not that she watched them, 'cause he made her promise not to, muttering something about 'overprotective parental rampage'.)

It was to the little girl's shock that for the first time in her young life, she saw her parent's faint, faces pale with horror. Oh, think of the blackmail! The child grinned maliciously, this was too rich.

While they were out, though, she figured she might as well use the time to surf the net. Clicking the 'on' button she saw to her surprise a little box in the center of the screen, saying something about 'pop ups' and 'firewall expiration'.

She frowned as the computer began counting down. Was it going to explode? OH NO! It was really a bomb! No wonder her parents of fainted! There was no way she was dieing; she was too young and too special!

In a rush of panic she chucked it out the window whence came a screamed, "Good white sun and golden moon! What is tha-" In spite of herself, Tani couldn't help but frown in confusion. Weren't the sun gold and the moon white? She sat and pondered this a while, before growing bored and leaving to bother Kakashi for more stories on her Father as a child.

The End

-

SOF: ….what?

Naruto: what was with the squirrels?

SOF: oh, that was Kakashi's dream.

Naruto: then what was the lady's real name? And why are I and Sasuke nearly always married in your fics?

SOF: …And the next fic vacation spot is centered around… ATLANTIS! No. Sorry. The next vacation is really on the desert! Whoo-Hoo!

-

It was hot. No, I mean hot. I mean, as in it is a 607◦ day, you're in a car with a broken air conditioning wearing a parka and thick stockings, the couple in the car next to you is making out with ice cream (don't ask) and you're squashed next to the person next to you and a metal umbrella is sticking into your leg, hot.

Or, in simple terms, a spoonful of my mother's chili hot (our tongues were BURNT. The DOG wouldn't eat it.) That was the heat Team 7 was experiencing right now. Camel back in the middle of a strange and unidentified desert.

"Kakashi," panted out Sakura from atop of Cactus Lily the camel. "Why are we here again?" The Jounin, of course, was looking cool and composed, for the most part. The effect was ruined with his hair drooping all over the place.

This was not mentioned to Kakashi, for he was truly as vain as a woman about his hair (but you didn't hear that from me), but it was obvious from the wide eyed looks and poorly concealed sniggers from Sandy the camel's direction.

Said teacher looked with a dignified expression at the inquirer. "We are here," he began (ignoring the choked laughter). "Because some stupid receptionist in charge of the Ninja Vacation Get Away Plan (NVGA) had thought that a tour of an unexplored desert would be fun."

(A/N: Said receptionist was also a revenge seeking Orochimaru in disguise. Thought you should know. Also note that said impersonator was currently laughing/cackling his head off in his creepy labyrinth tunnels of his, finally convincing Kabuto that he had chosen poorly in career choice.)

Sasuke hmphed, ignoring the murderous looks of his teacher. Sasuke's hair had staid in position and not a hair was out of place. Needless to say, he would not be on safe grounds with his sensei until they had reached a hotel. He sighed darkly to himself, kicking irritably, earning himself a glare from Gloomy the camel (for unexplainable reasons, Naruto felt the two had a special connection).

Sasuke really didn't understand the boy sometimes. Sasuke was much prettier than the camel. Sasuke and Gloomy both shot sparks of loathing at each other. "I am cooler than you! Admit it!"

"In your loser _dreams_ glacier boy." Did I mention the camels talked? No? Sorry. These were special exotic camels made from the deep dark depths of my scarred and twisted mind- I mean the supermarket. Yes, they definitely came from the supermarket. Maybe you passed that aisle.

It's right next to the flying monkeys and the walking clouds. Oh- and the living fires of Ascoqueyth. Those fires are almost as hot as the desert they were currently on! How fun- I mean, how terrible.

Back in the desert I named 'Fires of Ascoqueyth' (which they deemed 'Hell') the children and their vain, hair obsessed sensei continued on their talking, (except Kakashi's camel, dubbed 'Mute', who was in fact mute) supermarket bought camels.

While Kakashi sulked on Mute, Sakura chatted with Cactus Lily on the cluelessness of the male species period, and Sasuke fought with Gloomy (and was losing, which is pretty pathetic. Losing to a camel, I mean.) Naruto was…thirsty.

I'm talking, give-me-the-water-or-die thirsty. Kind of like soccer camp (shivers). Anyway, what do you do when you're thirsty and tired? You, um….it starts with H. I know it does. Really. Hmm. What's Naruto doing?

Naruto was in fact staring at the bandit on the black horse that was running through the desert. That wouldn't of been too weird (this WAS a desert) if the bandit hadn't been a squirrel dressed up as Zorro.

"Don't worry my love!" squeaked the squirrel (what? I missed the talking squirrel aisle?). "I'll save you from the evil King of the Undead Ascoqueythians!" Naruto blinked.

"Who are Ascoqueythians?" he asked bluntly. Sasuke stared at him momentarily, being the only one who heard before Gloomy accused him of being- well, (cough, cough). Sasuke was insulted and they fought each other (again).

Meanwhile, the squirrel. Currently he was waving his little plastic sword around, yelling death threats to the undead King. Suddenly, up popped a zombie. It was the typical zombie, with the bandages and the mutilated, gray, scarred, skin. Unlike most zombies, this one decided to express his inner creativity by wearing… (squints) a Burger King Crown.

"Hey!" said the zombie. "You're hurting my feelings. It's not my fault I'm ugly and unloved! WAH!" The 'king' burst into tears while the squirrel scratched the back of its head awkwardly before carefully patting the dead guy on the back.

"I'm…sorry, I guess. Didn't know dead guys were so easily insulted, you know?" This was the wrong thing to say, going by the red eyed (glowing) glare of DOOM he received. The squirrel took a few steps back.

"Dead guys, huh? _Easily insulted_, huh? I'll show you easily insulted!" A soccer field appeared and the combatants took their places. The squirrel raised its paw and pointed to Naruto.

"I nominate HIM referee!" "I second the nomination!" Naruto blinked, confused by the whole thing before shrugging and pulling out a whistle. "Begin!" shouted the blond (now referee).

Sasuke looked over at Naruto. What was he doing? He looked like he was blowing a whistle? And he was waving his arms and shouting, "Foul! Foul! Darn it, if you're going to challenge Mr. Zorro Squirrel here, play fair you Bandage-wrapped Loser!" Okay, Naruto had lost it; he thought (accidentally saying it aloud).

Gloomy paused in his contemplation on the meaning of life and television (and what did it all _mean_?) to look over at the blond. The camel found himself agreeing with Sasuke. "Did he ever have it?" He found himself asking.

Sasuke sighed and shook his head. "No. But isn't he cute?" Gloomy sighed and sympathized with Sunny, who was looking extraordinarily strange now that he was thinking about it. Didn't the stupid human passenger remember to give him water?

'Cause Sunny was prone to hallucinations. Always going on about corny Squirrel Opera Theaters, and dead guys who ate at Burger King. Gloomy sighed. If that camel wasn't so cute…

Sakura was having a great time. Finally, someone else who had realized the patheticness of the male race! They had failed to understand that girls were too smart and pretty for them and only a few understood that it was their fate in life to make out with each other for their amusement!

(A/N: Reviewers…don't kill me. Randomness. Remember, this is Sakura. I am straight. I like guys. Guys are generally smart and stay out of my way. Good, we're clear.)

Kakashi was…annoyed. Really, really, annoyed. Maybe it was the heat, the lack of water, or how ugly the NVGA receptionist was. Was their nothing worse than the combinations of hair frizzing heat, thirst, brats, and an ugly woman? Kakashi sighed. He didn't even have his book (stupid hotel maids).

He takes a shower for like one freakin' minute and WHAT happens? They steal THE book. He was never going to tip a member of the hotel industry EVER again. He nodded, satisfied with his brilliant (petty) revenge.

Well, besides Naruto all of that was boring! Let's check with Sunny, the talking, supermarket bought camel (just take a right past the undead Ascoqueythians. Anybody know where they keep the talking squirrels? Zorro over there is my last one). So, Sunny.

"No Mrs. Squirrel! How could you cheer for that Zorro guy fighting the undead Burger King king? Your husband and your children are waiting for you! THINK OF TIMMY! That Zorro guy is Mr. Squirrel's evil twin brother!"

Geez. Nothing interesting there either! When does that Squirrel Opera Theater Show end? Let's flip through The Television Guide to the Inside the Crazy One's Head! It should end by the end of this story…When's that?

Back to Naruto (as he's the only interesting one). The soccer game was continuing when suddenly Zorro kicked the ball too hard and it was aiming…straight towards Sasuke! NO!

Sasuke was looking at the sky, trying hard to remember who that receptionist reminded him of when suddenly Naruto came out of nowhere and hugged him yelling stuff like "I'm SO sorry!" and "You didn't even FLINCH!".

Gloomy eyed Sunny. "How long had it been since EITHER of you drank anything?" he asked suspiciously. The camel grinned and while wobbling muttered something about "10 hours."

Sasuke overheard this among the babble and grinned. Heheh…he was going to DESTROY the Kohana plumbing system every semi-hot day if it got Naruto to hug him like this…

"So that's why I have to go to Kameko's house every time I want some water during the summer?" asked Tani to her father suspiciously. "I'm gonna tell daddy on you!" Her father winced before putting on a bargaining face.

"But if you do that," pointed out Sasuke. "Then you won't be able to see Daddy try to talk to the undead Ascoqueythian king." Tani paused and scrunched up her face before nodding. "Deal!" She ran off to tell the story to her best friend (and to get some water).

Naruto stepped out from behind the door. "Wouldn't it of been easier to say that the plumbing is terrible here and you're too proud to ask anyone so you try to fix it yourself and make a mess of it every year?" "…shut up."

-

Me: Wow…I wrote that? Weird…I don't THINK I'm taking drugs.

Sasuke: (cough)crazy(cough)

Me: (swings hammer of doom)

Naruto: No! (tackles Sasuke out of way)

Sasuke: (happy)

Everyone else: Sweatdrop --

Me: Next 'vacation' spot is…

-

"WE'RE GOING TO THE MALL?" "WE HAVE A MALL?" "…" Team 7's reactions were mixed when they heard of their new mission. "I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE MALL!" "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR?" "MALLS ARE FOR GIRLS- OW!"

"Meh. Moron." "SHUT UP SASUKE!" "STOP YELLING!" "Silly kids." "SHUT UP SENSEI! I NEED SOMETHING TO WEAR!" "AND I NEED SOMEPLACE TO HIDE!"

Sasuke sighed. God, was this stupid. Why'd they have to go to a mall? He heard of those places sure enough. Who cares if Tsunade needed gumballs straight from the gumball machines? Send a genin team. But no- it was too _dangerous_ for _them_ to go.

Oh yeah, killer shoppers and escalators filled with loud bratty children all desperate to get what they want from their parents and pickpockets and most of all, uhhhh, teenage shopping, pink obsessed _girls_. Suddenly, Sasuke had an inkling of understanding of the Hokage's point of view.

That place was scarier than the Forest of Death. And of course, they would have to make their way through the entire mall to the very tip-top floor and all the elevators had been broken due to some robbery having something to do with a crazy teenage girl and manga (whistles with shifty eyes).

Naruto was terrified. A mall…he had heard of those places from travelers who didn't know about Kyuubi. They were places of terror, he had been told, unless you were a girl and were therefore immune to everything but the clothes and the shops.

Wah! If he had known that the box he stole from the office wasn't secret scrolls but her private gumball collection he would never have touched it! At least she hadn't admitted it to his teammates- Sakura might be happy, but Sasuke would be furious. He needed to be alive to complete the mission. Suddenly, Naruto felt a sudden burst of gratitude for their Hokage.

Sakura was in bliss. A mall! She had heard of those before, of course. Oh, Ino would be so jealous! But, because she was just so much nicer and prettier, she would bring Ino back a cute skirt of shirt. Maybe.

Not that she wanted to be friends again, or anything. Of course not. Sakura sniffed as Inner Sakura made proclamations. **I'm gonna go to that mall and have a GREAT time! Heh, that Ino won't cross my mind ONCE! OH YEAH! **Suddenly, Sakura felt a flicker of annoyance at the Hokage for not inviting Ino's team…but only a flicker!

Kakashi meanwhile, was already dreaming up excuses. ** I saw this old lady stuck in a tree and her cat was begging me to put her down… The road of life is full of many pitfalls. One such pitfall was the space between my apartment's roof and the next roof over… and so on.**

Hm…not bad, especially that pitfall one. For some reason he had a feeling that the first wasn't quite right…but only a small feeling. Oh well. If he played his cards right –begged his lover to use him as a dummy for target practice with the academy children- he might get out of this alive. Suddenly, Kakashi felt a rush of envy for the Hokage.

Where was the Hokage in all of this, you ask? Why, sucking on a cherry gumball of course! Heehee…Naruto tried to steal her bouncy rubber ball collection! Her real gumball collection was hidden in a secure spot.

She grinned to herself, Shizune giving her a dirty look for pausing in the middle of important paperwork. Waving a hand dismissively, she gave herself a sigh before her aching hands and eyes returned to work. She felt a sudden gush of sympathy for herself.

-

Me: 'Ta end! Tell me which you liked the bestest of all my stories! My 'judges' ask you to review as well!

"Review…Naruto…"

"Little brother…you're drooling."

"Sasuke! Stop staring at Naruto like that!"

"Go Sasuke-OW!"

"Sasuke, stop staring!"

Review for the girl who has no life, huh?


	3. Junk Food ATTACK!

Warning: BoyxBoy love (Gays, **imbeciles**). Beware. Sasunaru

Pairings: SasuNaru (rocks my world) KakaIru (rocks my socks) ?Saku (vote)

Disclaimer: None of this mine, except the plot. If someone else has done this, you've probably done it in a SasuSomeoneOtherThanNaruto way and I don't read those. But I apologize if it's out there, but it's too late now.

** I dedicate this chapter to mainly Icy Sapphire15. Other dedications are as follows: **

daisukiangel42

bLaCkFaia-nEkO

flame gazer

Kratos Aurion Fan

dreamwave27

Shikan

Nekokonneko

WandererWolf

darkgem499

half-demon628

Cherry Daze

Love Squared

Aisu no Doragon

nightsiren02

Ms Trick

Scoodoo58

faerie-killer

I LOVE YOU ALL!

This chapter was written the second (fine, minute) after I had posted the second chapter. I warn you, I really have no clue what I'm doing. I'm just typing down whatever shows up in this scary mind of mine (what sane person could have come up with the undead Ascoqueythian kings who wear Burger King Crown Hats? Honestly.)

Ascoqueythian…I like that word. It's fun to say! (As-co-kay-thee-ian). Fun, fun. (Slaps self) back on track. All right. This chapter (after much reediting, like 3 times) is on children. Whose children, I don't know. By this point I just want to actually finish typing this chapter before getting writer's block (for the thousandth time).

* * *

It all started with a soda can. Once upon a Naruto-kissing-Sasuke there was a can of I.A.S. Soda. It was invented by a man named Nickel Quarter. "Yes!" crowed Nickel. "I have invented the newest, coolest, most irresistible can of soda! I'm gonna be rich! It's the one can…TO RULE THEM ALL!"(1).

So Nickel took his soda to some fancy sponsoring company. The director looked the soda over and decided it was the one soda…TO RULE THEM ALL! "Nickel!" says he. "This is an amazing soda! I shall buy it on one condition…what's I.A.S. stand for?"

Nickel beamed. "Sir, it's a secret." The director was furious, and after two hours of being interrogated ruthlessly, Nickel was kicked out with his can of I.A.S soda. Depressed, Nickel sat by the riverbank and began to cry.

While this crying took place, a tabby cat sniffed the newest, coolest, most irresistible can of soda to RULE THEM ALL and stole it (hence the irresistible). So with the can in it's mouth the cat ran off back to the circus.

The cat tried ruthlessly to open the can of I.A.S., but it couldn't. However, it couldn't give it up, and so the can ended up in the kitty toy basket. However, the cat's owner and the trapeze walker found the soda and gave it to a friend as a last minute birthday gift.

"Thanks!" said Tsunade. "I thought you would forget. What does I.A.S mean?" The trapeze walker/cat owner/friend of Tsunade shrugged. This would not do! The Hokage took immediate action and summoned up every ninja in the village not on a mission (not that many, considering the busy state of the village, a.k.a the Hokage's sadistic streak.)

"Whoever," declared Tsunade on her podium. "Can find out what I.A.S means shall get their heart's desire!" At this moment Sasuke looked very much like he was about to faint and Naruto like he was about to kill. "Except Sasuke," added in Tsunade as the girl ninjas wailed.

"So…" continued the Hokage. "Find out…or I know where you live! Away!" Using a super cool ninja technique, she vanished. The crowd of ninja stared at each other (except for some of the crying girl ninjas who were off to make a protest and debating whether a Sasuke tee shirt or one of his used kunai would be a better heart's desire).

"This is stupid…" "I'll try my best Sasuke-kun!" "I…guess…I co-could…t-t-try…" "Meh." "Think of all the ramen I could buy!" "Must… burn…ramen." "Sasuke! I thought you were over that by now! Stupid lying counselor!"

An hour later…"RAMEN MUST BURN!"

Two hours later…. "LOOK SASUKE, THE MEN WITH HAPPY NEEDLES ARE COMING TO TAKE YOU TO A BETTER PLACE!" "The bedroom?" "…"

And so…the great chase began! "Sasuke you jerk, come back here!" Naruto was in the lead, screaming about all the ways Sasuke could die and gosh, this was so stupid. Rock Lee had seen them running of and with his youthful spirit of the wind (or something) he sped off, assuming they were in a race.

"Like you care! You're to busy worrying about your precious ramen!" Look, Hinata and Tenten joined the race! Hinata, because she would of course assist her beloved Hokage-in-training and Tenten joined so she could throw pointy weapons.

"Sasuke you idiot! I care about you too! Why do you always assume the worst in people!" Look! People are joining the race in droves! The girl ninjas, all the other teams, and is that…Orochimaru behind Gaara?

"Right! That's why you're choosing ramen over me! And besides, you keep flinching every time I even _look_ at a snake!" Is that the Atasuki leader? How curious…his dramatic shadowing is following him everywhere! I can't see his face! And apparently, by the way he and the people next to him keep tripping, they can't see either…

"Sasuke-loser, that's because you ran off with a pedophile that talked and looked like a snake! And I don't choose ramen over you exactly…" Oh! That's gotta hurt! Orochimaru has apparently entered a murderous rage and is attacking all the people nearby and- Wow, Gaara! You got him straight in the eye with that sand!

"That's not good enough for me anymore!" Now we're nearing a…ocean? Wow, we left Kohana that far behind? That's what you get for entering a contest with ninjas. Looks like half of the competition has been wiped out on account of a giant sandstorm that randomly came out from nowhere (I would like to note that Gaara had to reluctantly leave the race for his next therapy session).

"Well, what do you want? And if you say revenge I'll…make you wish you hadn't said revenge!" On account of the massive waves Naruto and Sasuke (way in the lead) had created with their chakra, about a third of the remaining ninja had to leave. Among these remaining ninja are Kakashi, Lee, Sakura, Ino (I wouldn't be in the space between those girls), and…is Iruka riding…dolphins?

"What are you going to do?" And it appears the killer squid has risen from the depths of…well, the deep. Man that eyeball looks creepy. Look out for that tentacle- and Sakura and Ino are out of there! But no worries, they're throttling each others throats (I had no idea a face could turn that shade of purple) as Iruka's dolphins carry them safely to shore (go Iruka!).

"I'm gonna break up with you!" What! Hold on. Kakashi froze, Iruka froze, Sasuke froze, heck, even the waves froze, (basically, everyone except Rock Lee, who carried on running).

"Naruto…"

"Yeah?"

"We're married."

"…Oh. Sorry."

"Sorry!" Surprisingly enough, it was Kakashi who spoke up with venom. "You're sorry!" He went over and actually hugged Sasuke (who was still in a form of shock). "You think you got it tough? I'm a teacher! I have a life of unresolved angst! My life had only been healed by falling in true love-" Iruka's dolphins chattered. "-Yes, with Iruka." The dolphins were happy. "And now you're going to sic a boy with even more angst than me in my care because as his teacher it's my responsibility?"

Naruto looked apologetic. "I didn't mean to-" Before he could defend himself, Iruka's dolphins carried him over to Naruto, whom Iruka hugged before glaring vehemently at Kakashi.

"How dare you yell at him! You think it's easy for me? I slave for little brats who use me for target practice and I get stuck grading their papers! I have a true love-" Kakashi's dogs growled (how did they get on the middle of an ocean?)- "Yes it's Kakashi." The dogs were pleased. "-Who I barely see because he's always on missions where he could die! You think I'm pleased with this?"

Kakashi looked affronted. "I'm a Jounin!" he proclaimed. "My life is more complicated and stressful, and full of unresolved angst them your's will ever be!" He let go of Sasuke, who stumbled back and watched him with narrowed eyes (if Kakashi snapped, he would only have a matter of seconds to grab Naruto and run to the village for reinforcements).

Iruka looked more affronted. "I'm a full time teacher!" he hissed. "My life is more complicated, and dangerous than yours! You just have to kill people! Big deal, in the war even I helped out!" Iruka let go of Naruto long enough for Naruto to go hide behind Sasuke.

The match between the two teachers continued, and after a while, Sasuke turned to Naruto. "Let's go. I'll buy you ramen." Unable to resist such an offer (watching bickering parent figures created quite the appetite) Naruto agreed and they went off to the village hand in hand (then Naruto realized Sasuke had hired a band of bandits to burn down every ramen shop in the world and they had some issues and had to go to a marriagecounselor.)

Iruka and Kakashi had another angst filled argument until they solved their differences (It did take a while.) But on the plus side, Kakashi's dogs learned from Iruka's dolphins how to play Go Fish. All's well that ends well. Oh, and as for the soda can…

Well, Shikamaru (probably the only ninja who didn't enter the race on account of his massive laziness) figured out the mystery of the soda can and told the Hokage, who gave him tickets to a full time resort off the coast of Florida where there are never any storms and people just lie around and sleep all day.

Now I'm sure there's nothing more- Oh, and Lee met the Zorro squirrel in the desert and joined him in playing the Desert King of The Undead Ascoqueythians in playing a soccer match of honor. He grew to be quite good and went on to win many world cups in both the world of the Ascoqueythians and the squirrels. You can even see many of the extremist fans wearing green spandex.

That's all for that, folks!

-

Me: Yes! I actually finished a chapter. (bows to people who care) I've been having a major case of writers block and my school year is ending so I'm on overload with homework and my friend are partying (friend is sleeping upstairs as I type).

Itachi: (sighs) Where was I during this thing anyway?

Me: (flips through planner) You were getting a pedicure. So, when did green become your favorite nail polish color?

Itachi: …Shut up. What did I.A.S stand for anyway?

Me: Hah! You'll have to review to find out! (laughs evilly)

Everybody: (steps back)

Me: Next chapter! Okay, what shall my crazy mind come up with next…begins to type… (and prays that she doesn't have too many spelling errors).

-

Chouji had to admit- the cake was almost too pretty to eat. It was a rich chocolate cake, with vanilla ice cream, and the frosting was thick around the edges and had edible roses on top. Heck, the candles were even edible!

But what to do- his stomach was roaring and demanded that he scarf it down while he could practically hear the cake saying, "Don't eat me! I'm a priceless piece of art!" He had no clue what to do with this cake.

It would be cruel not to feed his belly, and it would be a crime of the highest degree to spoil the Mona Lisa of the desert world. He gingerly reached out to poke it with a spoon but stopped. He had made up his mind.

He would take this cake and hide it away. No one could ever eat it. He would stare at it and it's perfectly frosted sides and edible candles for as long as he wished and no one would be the wiser. He nodded.

However, Chouji was forgetting something very important. Lesson 3, Ninja handbook, page 763232, stated clearly that one should not hoard pastries one finds on the side of the road. But, who reads the manual (especially one that long)?

Just as he was about to take his cake and hide it away, a voice reached his ears. "Hey Chouji! What 'cha doing?" No! It was Naruto! He would take away his precious pastry! He might even (gasp) eat it! Nooooo! Naruto must be stopped!

Under the spell of the delicious cake, Chouji forgot that messing with the Hokage in training was messing with his husband, who would not hesitate to devise painful revenges (his life being a good example).

However, it is likely even if that point of critical information reached his brain, he would have heeded it, he was so under the spell of the beautiful cake. The precious, lovely…no! Must fight! Back to Chouji!

"Hey, what's that? It looks like a-" Naruto was shocked. This was very surprising. Out of everything, this was not what he expected to find on a lovely afternoon in May. He had just escaped Sasuke's possessive clutches and was exploring the area himself (really, just because he was pregnant didn't mean he was pathetic).

"There's nothing here!" said Chouji with surprising force as Naruto's eyes swept over the cake. "Go away!" However, it was too late. Naruto had spotted it, and the little child inside of him developed a sudden craving for-

"Give me that cake!" hissed Naruto. Chouji growled (he should of known)! He moved in a defensive stance (never mind that Naruto was pregnant and a possessive Sasuke was nearby)! This was personal!

Naruto hissed and sent a rasengan his way (but not close enough to the ground so it would hit the cake). Chouji scrambled to get out the way, and barely missed getting ripped to shreds (hey, I told you. The cake was a powerful thing).

(Meanwhile)

Sasuke was murderous. His lover (and husband) had disappeared into the local park (which was quite large) and to top it off, said lover (and husband) was pregnant! And everybody knew that the evil ninja's would all show up and try to kill him now that he was vulnerable!

Wait- that was Naruto's chakra signature! And that loud boom and smoking trees over there could only mean one thing. Sasuke growled. Both Naruto and the stupid ninja(s) were going to pay!

Was that…Chouji? And why was his lover (and husband) yelling about a cake? Uh, it must of been those cravings again. After that ice cream incident…just uh. But no matter how determined (or scary) Naruto was, there was no way he could over exert himself.

He had managed to get that out of Tsunade's ramblings (and cacklings. The woman was really getting too much amusement out of this). Sigh…only one thing to do. He had better- wow, was that beautiful piece of artwork sent from above a cake?

"I WANT THAT CAKE NOW!" Apparently his husband also liked the cake. He turned his head to see a smiling Naruto approach him (he could also see a rather bruised Chouji in the background).

"Now Sasuke," cooed Naruto. "You love me right?" Nod. "You want me and our baby to be happy, right?" Nod. "You would do anything for me and your child…right?" Nod. "Then, make both me and our baby very happy by giving us the cake. Please?" His expression turned murderous. "If you don't I'll never love you again!"

Sasuke was caught in a terrible dilemma. Should he hand over the cake and keep his love (and his life), but lose the chocolaty goodness? Or he could keep the cake and engage in a one sided battle because unlike Chouji (who was going to suffer after all of this) he was not going to fight his pregnant husband?

Just as he was about to make a choice, who should appear but…Neji! "Stop!" proclaimed Neji, his hair billowing in the non existent wind. "Fate has called me forth to warn ye ignorant fools of an approaching danger!" His proclamation earned two incredulous stares (Chouji was unconscious by this point).

"Neji," began Naruto in a weary voice. "Haven't we been over this fate thing? And have you been spending more time with Gai or Lee?" Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Or beer?" Naruto sniffed the air suspiciously.

Neji looked miffed. "I am not drunk! And anyway-" The wind started up with enthusiasm again. "Fate has spoken to me and enlightened me! She does exist! I have seen the truth in the insane place we call our world!" Naruto inched closer to Sasuke, cake forgotten.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Neji. "I'm not letting a drunken fool near my pregnant husband," he informed the hysterically laughing boy as Naruto abandoned all dignity and clutched his arm. "If you don't become unintoxicated or don't leave the area soon, I will break every Fate-believing bone in your body."

Neji hissed and pointed a finger at him. "Fool! You call me a fool? I am not the one with a snake freak's _hickey_ on my neck!" Sasuke looked scandalized and his lover looked shocked before the oncoming explosion. 'Curse mood swings,' moaned Inner Sasuke as Naruto glared at his husband.

"Sasuke," Naruto began calmly. "You told me that he placed that mark there with a jutsu. Do you have something to tell ME AND OUR UNBORN BABY?" Inner Sasuke cowered.

"Naruto," said Sasuke soothingly as he backed away. "I can explain-" Naruto was taking a step forward as he took a step backward, and chances of escape were looking pretty narrow right now. Neji watched the show, munching on some berries given to him by an innocent appearing squirrel.

"I don't want you to explain," said Naruto with a creepily calm smile. "I want you to SUFFER!" Sasuke abandoned all dignity and ran away, Naruto at his heels. Neji raised an eyebrow. Was it really safe for a pregnant man to be running around like that?

"SASUKE YOU ARE A TERRIBLE FATHER AND HUSBAND!"

"OH MY GOSH, WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO TSUNADE!"

"DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING OFF SO EASY MISTER-"

Wow, what a show. Neji grinned evilly. And now, that cake was all his. He went over to it before suddenly gasping and falling in a dead faint (but thankfully, he missed the cake, which was all that mattered).

"Thank you, my little friends. Now, we may safely return that cake to its rightful owner, or I, Rock Lee, shall kick 2,000 soccer balls in the net before the next tournament!" Rock Lee posed on the tree, but unfortunately, the branch was not meant to be posed on by green-spandex-wearing-soccer-stars-that-love-squirrels and so he fell. On the ground an inch away from the cake.

"My, my. Is that Rock Lee?" Kakashi leaned down and squinted. "So it is. But is it just me, or does he seem more…squirrelly than usual to you? It's kind of creepy- and hey, Iruka, isn't that your cake? How did it end up here?"

The chuunin teacher and former prankster grinned innocently at his lover. "I have no clue. Some prankster must have stolen it from me." Kakashi frowned, his one visible eye narrowed in thought.

"That was very rude. That was your special cake. If I got my hands on him-" Iruka silenced his lover with a kiss. Hey, you know what they say, old habits die hard. Oh well. It's not like anyone suffered at a cause for worry (Chouji was already stirring and the squirrels were carrying Rock Lee's unconscious form into the bushes while a few went to find 2,000 soccer balls).

In the village, in Tsunade's hospital room, Naruto cursed loudly (and creatively) during his labor at whoever was stupid enough to place a cake where anybody could see it. This was all the cake's fault. And Neji. And Neji's therapist, who was supposed to be curing him.

(Right now in the therapist's office)

"Neji," said the girl. "Look into my mystical yoyo. It speaks the truth, with it's hot pink background and shimmering pretty princess sparkles. Listen to the yoyo, and it will show you the way."

"Show me the way," repeated a poor, brainwashed Neji. The girl didn't pause in her waving on the yoyo, but patted him on the head.

"Good boy. Where's my cake?" Neji's eye suddenly began twitching, his perfect hair became mussed, and his foot began tapping. The girl winced and began to back away. This had happened once before when she had asked about Fate for the first time- instant meltdown.

"The squirrels," he hissed. "The squirrels are plotting. They wants it, oh, they wants it. They are after my cake. Them, and the green one. The green, soccer playing one. Squirrels and people weren't made to play soccer together, IT'S NOT NATURAL!"

The therapist ran for her life. The end.

-

Sasuke: What was that?

Me: How should I know? All I did was write it.

Sasuke: (mutters) And her IQ is supposedly above average…

Me: (scowls) Go away. (speaks to audience) Sorry I was so mean to Chouji. Like I said, I have no control on what I write. My mind goes crazy and I type it. I am a slave to its will…

Sasuke: Kill me now.

Me: (sticks out tongue) Nyah. This next chapter was somewhat inspired by Icy Sapphire15, by reminding me of the power of muffins. Muffins….

-

It began with a muffin. Actually, it began with flour, other natural ingredients, an oven, and the beginning of time. But a muffin was the result of this particular set of events. For you see, somewhere in the world, a pastry maker became angry.

You see, muffins were wonderful things. But people ate them. Shouldn't they have a revenge of some kind? Some form of retribution? (Oh my gosh, he must of taken lessons from Sasuke.) So, he created the freakiest thing ever. He made The Evil Muffin of Misfortune (or just Muffin).

Cackling evilly to himself, he shipped it off in a crate with several other delicious muffins and sent it overseas. He then went home and realized he had been without his medicine for a month, and went to seek medical help.

Meanwhile, the Muffin was making its way on a plane when all of a sudden a violent storm came up, the cargo hold flew open, and it alone fell down into the empty air, falling for quite sometime.

Then (because Fate is cruel) it landed right onto Itachi's hand (let's pretend common sense took a vacation to the Bahamas). Itachi looked over the Muffin with an elegant eyebrow raised.

"Is this a Muffin? And why can I only say 'Muffin' in capital letters?" he asked the sky. The sky was silent. Itachi sighed and did what one should never do; take a bite out of the Muffin.

"Hn. I've never tasted a cherry Muffin before. Weird." As he said this, Orochimaru appeared right in front of him in the woods with a blinding flash. Said evil villain looked just as confused as Itachi felt (but didn't show).

'How misfortunate,' thought Itachi. "Ah!" cried Orochimaru. "A Muffin." He snatched it from Itachi's hand. Itachi felt angry. Orochimaru stared at Itachi before taking a few steps back. The prodigy felt very confused. What was wrong with…?

"Itachi," said Orochimaru fearfully. "Your face…it's showing…emotion." Then something happened for the first time ever. Itachi…screamed. Very loudly, very high pitched.

The snake abandoned all S-class villain dignity, and ran for the hills. "That was misfortunate," he declared in his evil lair. "I must make a note to avoid Itachi." Shuddering, he turned the T.V. to channel, 'Notes on Evil Weirdo's Schemes', (aka, the news).

Today's feature was on Itachi, who was suffering from a misfortunate facial disorder, which unfortunately forced him to show all emotion, unfortunately made him lose his S-class villain rank, and the worst, unfortunately gained him more fangirls.

Unthinkingly, Orochimaru stupidly took a bite of the Muffin (while inwardly gleefully thanking the gods above that he could record this), while watching a crying Itachi live on the T.V. screen with Kisame leading him away while glaring murderously at reporters that got too close.

All of a sudden, the scene turned off and the two reporters stared at you, faces grave. "We have new information on the S-class criminal, Orochimaru. Apparently, this snakey jerk has been planning on destroying all cookie factories world wide." Orochimaru couldn't believe his ears. _What…?_

"Cookie consumers all over the world have this is to say." A giant mob of people were shown standing near the entrance to his evil lair. "We're gonna get you!" "No one touches my cookies!" "You fiend!"

The reporter continued as the mob began pounding on his front door (and trampled his lilacs at the same time). "How misfortunate for this S-class villain. We would have never known if it weren't for Naruto Uchiha-Uzumaki."

The blond showed up on screen, cradling a black-eyed baby in one arm while the other hand was viciously pinching Sasuke Uzumaki-Uchiha's ear. "I had no clue about any of this until recently I found a bunch evidence. But he was undoubtly guilty. Right, Sasuke?"

Orochimaru winced as the ear was tugged painfully. Sasuke winced too. "Yes dear. Of course dear. Whatever you say, dear." The poor boy sounded like he'd been trained. Naruto gave the ear a final tug before glancing back up at the screen.

"I would also like to say that whatever you decide to do to Orochimaru, he fully deserves. Make him suffer, go all out. MAKE HIM PAY FOR BEING THE-" the T.V. bleeped out another two paragraphs. "-Hickey giver he is! And have a nice day!"

Naruto smiled and waved at the screen, Sasuke gave an eye roll, and the baby made a face. The floor was shaking now. The door was sporting little cracks here and there. The ceiling was dropping little pieces of plaster on his head.

Orochimaru consoled himself with the knowledge he had pictures of Itachi crying stored on his television screen. A little blue box appeared on the screen with a blip. "We're sorry," read Orochimaru. "This has been deleted due to the sadistic streak of your cable company. Oh yeah. And I hope you die a terrible death for attempting to destroy cookies."

Orochimaru fell to his knees as the door gave way and the mob of angry, cookie loving people swarmed into the room. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

THE END

-

Me: Wheee! That was fun! Until I get motivated again (depending on your reviews).


	4. Chaos!

Warning: BoyxBoy love (Gays, **imbeciles**). Beware. Sasunaru. Mpreg in ONE of the chapters (just skip over it and tell your mind they adopted).

Pairings: SasuNaru (rocks my world) KakaIru (rocks my socks) NejiHina, KibaShino vaguely hinted at (got a problem, polite me tell me and I'll add in your favorite pairing as long as I keep the SasuNaru and KakaIru).

Disclaimer: None of this mine, except the plot. If someone else has done this, you've probably done it in a SasuSomeoneOtherThanNaruto way and I don't read those. But I apologize if it's out there, but it's too late now.

Me: Heh…sorry for the wait. I've been busy and I'm nervous because my computer has been breaking down lately so recently I've been trying to finish this story up. The last time the computer was like this all my data was ripped from my hard drive…

* * *

Naruto edged through the crowd, Sasuke pressed to his back followed by the rest of the Kohanian ninjas that had chosen to come. "'Scuse me, pardon me," muttered Naruto as he elbowed a particularly perky squirrel. "Sorry, excuse us, look out, coming through."

Did Lee have to get them tickets in the very bottom row? I mean, sure it was a miracle they got into the Summer Squirrel Soccer Tournament (SSS), but they **were** the friends of the star soccer player.

Naruto felt pretty excited as he stepped over another cup of birdbath water and box of acorns. Imagine! An SSS tournament! Who knew that such a thing even existed! If only that squirrel at the front gate hadn't confiscated Sasuke's camera… think of all the photos he could of have taken. But wait! His cell phone! It could take pictures! Crappy ones, but good enough!

Sasuke felt like the next squirrel that so much as flicked their tail at him would end up skinned as a trophy on the mantelpiece of his father's study (Naruto would never allow it in the living room…let alone his maiming the squirrel in the first place). So many stupid creatures in one place…and did they have to be so loud? They never stopped talking! Never! It was like being trapped in a little room with fangirls on sugar high (with squeaky voices).

Close behind them were Sakura, Kakashi, and Iruka weaving through the crowd and doing their best not to be creeped out by the many banners of a certain Rock Lee. Every single one featured him in some sort of pose with a mega watt smile. Of course, all the backgrounds were green. And the banners were made of spandex (shivers).

God, they were going to have to kill that creepy receptionist at the NVGA (Ninja Get Away plan) once and for all. Was it just the three of them or did the receptionist look a little…crazier than usual. Muttering something about cookies and stupid cable companies (A/N: Orochimaru would like me to say he was completely innocent).

Why were they cursed with crummy vacations? Sakura thought that at least in the desert she had a camel to talk to (and who could say that), Kakashi thought that it was a good thing Gai was allergic to rats with fur (or else they'd have to deal with him AND the squirrels…and he would like to keep his sanity for a few more years), while Iruka was wistfully thinking about all the brats he could be teaching and how to kill the teacher of team 7 without being suspected.

As they finally reached their seats Kakashi (sensing danger) smiled and excused himself, mumbling something about dolphins and drinks. He was "accidentally" tripped (Iruka would like to say it was a complete and _total _accident) while walking/running-away-like-a-scared-little-girl past Iruka's seat. He accidentally fell down headfirst off the railing into a stampede of raging fangirls.

Having knocked them down, he sat, frozen in horror, in the middle of the pile of collapsed Lee fansquirrels. As a few of them regained consciousness and stared at him with bright, beady, evil, sneaky, _conniving, plotting, terrifying_- (sorry, off track) little eyes, he found himself about to drop in a dead faint. His last conscious thought was, 'I had no idea there would be squirrels in hell.' With that, he fainted in dramatically on top of the water cooler.

Iruka stared down at his lover and the squealing mass of fansquirrels before sighing and looking off at the empty soccer field. The score board loudly proclaimed (in blinding green letters with a slightly lighter shade of marsh green background) Home: Lee's (they named the TEAM after him? I'm more messed up than I thought…) V.S. Visiting: Bubblegum Bunnies. This was the championship match, and as the referees were belting out in the news booth, "The stakes were high."

"Um…Iruka? Teacher?" Iruka snapped out of it and looked over at Naruto. The boy was clinging to Sasuke while giving his former teacher a nervous, I'm-sorry-to-bother-you-but-have-you-lost-it face. The ever stoic boy showed no sign of emotion on his face other than it turning a little purple from lack of oxygen (when I said clinging, I meant choking death grip. Sorry). Sakura herself had fallen asleep in her chair, and dreamed about Squirrel Opera Theater (it never ends. She's watching the reruns. **"No, how could you Mr. Squirrel!"**).

"Yes Naruto?" The blond gave him another look. "Are you…going to help Kakashi…at all?" Iruka looked over at the Jounin level ninja as he was dragged away (still unconscious) by the chattering happily fansquirrels, who were chittering about beginning a Kakashi fan club, and whether his cool hairstyle made up for his lack of shiny smile (or visible mouth at all).

"No." Iruka gave Naruto a sweet smile. "We might miss the game." Naruto nodded slowly and stopped clinging (choking) Sasuke and eased himself on Sasuke's lap. Suddenly, the announcer began to speak.

"And it appears a wild sandstorm is headed this way- we urge you all to not panic and to stay calm- ah heck, who are we kidding? RUN FOR YOU LIVES, FELLOW TREE RATS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The stands were in a panic. Squirrels were everywhere, screaming with shrill little voices, and running around with their paws in the air (like it was a robbery or something). The bubble gum bunnies (who were all chewing carrot flavored bubble gum) were also running around with their mouths hanging wide open with no sound coming out.

All the banners were ripped through from the rafters and sent to the whirling cyclone of sand at the base of the storm. Eventually, Sasuke, Iruka, and Naruto realized while staring with their mouths wide open is entertaining for others (based on the squirrels who pointed and laughed between shocks of panic) it was not going to do anything useful.

They promptly turned tail (so to speak) and ran for their lives in the opposite direction. Kakashi? Well…let's just say he had a new phobia when they finally unearthed him in the rubble after the storm had blown over.

Naruto did never get to take those pictures either…

End

-

Habits are what make a person. Therefore, since Kakashi was such a…special person it would be obvious that he would have to have special habits. Iruka had been counting on that and having to deal with it after his lover had proposed they moved in together.

What Iruka had _not_ expected for such habits to be so…consistent. Even if the rain was pouring down so fiercely that even people like Neji, Sasuke, and Naruto had decided to skip training, the Jounin _had_ to go outside to get the paper and talk for ten minutes with his neighbor (who was desperately trying to escape said neighbor's clutches) about training weapons.

Iruka and Kakashi were on the receiving end of dirty looks from the cold-stricken neighbor and his wife for a week or two after a particularly bad storm. Kakashi was so cheerfully oblivious that Iruka just _knew_ that he was doing it on purpose. However funny Kakashi saw it, Iruka did not find being glared at a cause for almost childish glee (along with a healthy burst of mischievous giggles).

So when the next rainstorm came along Iruka woke up early and took in the paper and set it on the kitchen table, as quietly as possible (Kakashi probably knew he had woken up anyway). As soon as the bacon had started sizzling he heard a thump on the bedroom floor (one of Kakashi's weirdest habits was falling out of bed instead of getting out of it like a normal person/ninja).

Sleepily Kakashi had stumbled out the door (still in pajamas) and Iruka held his breath as it slammed shut. A few moments passed and Iruka played out the scene in his mind- Kakashi would walk up to the mailbox and reach out for the paper. His hand would close around empty air and calmly Kakashi would- "IRUKA!"

A blur (that common sense identified as Kakashi) ran through the door and attached himself to Iruka, clinging. "IRUKA!" Kakashi wailed. "They forgot to get us a paper! We need to complain- no, WE MUST SUE! GRAB YOUR COAT; WE'RE OFF TO GET A LAWYER!"

"Over a paper?" Iruka found himself asking. Kakashi glared as glary as he could from the bedroom to the kitchen while getting dressed at rapid fire speed. 'Maybe I shouldn't have done this without considering some things- like how I'm getting out of this alive.' "Actually, they did deliver the paper."

Kakashi appeared in the kitchen in the blink of an eye, said eye visibly narrowing at Iruka. Inwardly gulping (and hoping he wasn't looking too terrified) Iruka wordlessly pointed to the paper on the kitchen table. It took Kakashi five minutes to stop looking from the paper, to Iruka, to the mailbox, back to the paper.

"Iruka," said Kakashi slowly. Said chunin looked at him calmly (having collected himself, _must not look too guilty_), with an eyebrow raised. "The mailmen broke into our house! Is nothing sacred! Iruka- did you just faint? Iruka, I know it's terrible of them but you don't have to get that upset! Oh well, one more thing to sue them for…"

It took some time later to convince Kakashi that no, that foreign ninja were not plotting to take over the village by sneaking into people's houses to leave exploding papers under the pretense of being "innocent mailmen" (if there were such things). It took another week to convince Kakashi that Iruka was not "betraying" him by disturbing the flow of his habits.

It took another month to get Kakashi over his new "suing" obsession. Iruka made it his mission to hurt the person who mentioned the idea to him (Gai was found traumatized in a dark alley a while later). "But Iruka- look how much money this person made form suing this restaurant! If we find a way to sue that ramen store you and Naruto like so much, we'll be so rich I'll never have to go on a mission ever again!"

Now that the whole thing was over (and Kakashi wouldn't pout every time he looked his way and clutch frantically a newspaper) Iruka had time to realize that there was no possible way that Kakashi was the only person in the world with quirky habits (because no god/higher life form could ever be so cruel).

At moments when he was at the edge of sleep, finally done grading papers, or just plain bored he wondered what odd habits other people had. And furthermore, what their respective other's did about them. Tolerate them? Hate them? Cherish them? He went off to investigate.

"Habits?" Naruto repeated, looking curious. "Sasuke has loads of weird habits! Almost as many habits as he has angst issues (but that's not possible, you know). One of his weirdest habits is-" Naruto looked around and leaned in. "His hair."

Iruka blinked. "I know, I know," Naruto hasted to reassure him. "You think, 'whoa, weird hair style,' but after that you don't think about it anymore, right?" Iruka nodded. "Well, it turns out he gets up early _every morning_ to get it in that shape. He uses nearly every kind of hair product ever!" Iruka looked scandalized. "It's not that big of a deal! Anyway, how does your lover take care of his hair?"

Iruka blinked again (this was becoming a habit). "We-l-l," he dragged out slowly and thoughtfully. "I don't know. Hey! That would explain the hair spray I found in Kakashi's drawer in the bathroom when I was looking for his toothpaste!" Student and teacher exchanged disgusted looks.

"Iruka!"

"Naruto."

Sasuke and Kakashi walked up, looking like they had been run over by a rabid stray lawn mower (my bad, it was on a leash before but it snapped, I swear!). They were received with disgusted looks.

"How do you call yourselves men?"

"If you girls don't mind, we're off!"

The two disgusted men _flounced_ off, leaving behind their two staring husbands. Sasuke turned to Kakashi with a sigh. "Was it just me, or did we marry the two most girly men in the village?" Kakashi nodded and they parted ways to redo their mussed hair from running through mobs of people to buy the newest hair spray from Pretty Shiny Individual Hair Incorporated.

Meanwhile, Iruka and Naruto (who Iruka dragged with him on his quest) went off to investigate the other couples of Kohana to find out their secrets /shifty eyes, I mean habits, yes, habits. I AM NOT A POSTAL WORKER! (I apologize to all postal workers who read this. I appreciate your efforts to supply us with mail and newspapers).

Victims- I mean, Couple Number One is: Lee and Gaara

"Habits?" echoed Lee next to Gaara on the couch in Lee's house. "As surely as the dawn rises- I mean," Lee cleared his throat with a nervous look at Gaara. "Of course we do. Doesn't every youthful spirit- I mean, doesn't every one have an annoying habit or two?"

Naruto and Iruka stole a look at each other with raised eyebrows. "Lee," asked Iruka comfortingly. "Is there a reason why you have suddenly decided to-" _'Speak like a normal human being for once'_ "-cut back on your phrases?"

Lee flushed and Gaara did nothing but (if all humanly possible) looked slightly more homicidal. "You see," said the abashed former squirrel-soccer player. "When Gaara found out through his connections with the Undead Desert King (hello? Desert + Sand Wielder? Do math) he had to track me down all the way from the championship game."

"That was Gaara who made that sandstorm?" asked Naruto, shocked. Lee grinned sheepishly and Gaara had a (to those who looked reeeeeeaaallllyyy closely) content look on his face, as if remembering a pleasant memory. Naruto and Iruka scooted their chairs a bit further towards the door.

"Anyway, due to my time with the squirrels, I had developed a chattering problem." Naruto and Iruka winced simultaneously and Gaara twitched a fraction. Scoot, scoot. "So Gaara became….upset (scoot, scoot) and he and I reached a deal that I would only talk the normal way instead of like Gai or squirrels, but Lee."

Lee cast a happy look on Gaara, who nodded his head a fraction of a millimeter in acknowledgment. "Isn't that so nice of him?" Naruto and Iruka nodded their heads several times before scooting their chairs so far back they accidentally scooted out the door-or it might have been the sand pushing them. You could never tell.

Couple Number Two- Hinata and Neji

They next went off to the Hyuuga main house, figuring that neither of them talked to squirrels or liked sand. At least, both the Hyuuga's had a soft spot for the Uzumaki and every one of his students fondly remembered their quiet, firm teacher (as long as you didn't cause _too_ much trouble).

And anyway, Hyuuga's were polite. They might even offer some tea- "Shina! Put that vase down- no, DOWN!" **_Crash!_** **Bang!** **_Glass Shattering!_** **Clang!** Silence. Cautiously, Naruto and Iruka knocked softly on the door. The door swung open with a slam. "WHO IS IT?"

Eeep. Neji looked very upset and ruffled- his perfect hair wasn't so perfect right now. Luckily, Hinata came up and took Neji's hand in her own and lead him inside. "Come right in," she invited softly over her shoulder before carrying off and petting a muttering Neji on the head.

Naruto and Iruka stood awkwardly around in the hallway until a small girl showed up. "Hi!" cheered the size-challenged girl. "Mommy said to take you to the living room, so comes on!" (Yes, any spelling errors the girl has are there for a purpose. Grammar Nazis, all of you).

"Alright Kita," said Iruka with a warm smile. Naruto followed his teacher and Kita through the house- and saw evidence that Kita, her sister Shina, and Kita's twin brother Tomo had been on several sugar highs lately.

"Uncle Kiba and Uncle Shino are in the guest bedwooms twoo!" exclaimed Kita with five year old enthusiasm. "Mommy says their 'partment gettins wemodeled." Ah. That would explain it. The two ninja (both of them) adored Neji and Hinata's children (they had Hinata's personality and Neji's confidence). And, they were adorable.

By the time they arrived at the personal living room (as in, for guests they weren't trying to scare the pants off of) Iruka and Naruto had heard about all the pranks Kita and Tomo had pulled, and how Shina was complaining a lot because of the training exercises Naruto had "heartlessly put them through" (Naruto resolved to borrow a set of Kakashi's bells).

As they settled on the couch, Kita left and Hinata came through with a welcoming smile. "He's still getting over a therapist visit," she explained. "We had no idea she was using something as dangerous as a sparkly pink yoyo to control him." Naruto and Iruka nodded solemnly. Beware the sparklies.

"So," she said, pouring the I.A.S. soda into paper cups and handing them out. "How may I help you?" Naruto grinned at her and Iruka pulled out the sheet of notebook paper they had been using to record the data on. "Habits…" she wondered musingly after it was explained.

"Well," she said at last. "He spends an awful amount of time on his hair." Naruto, Iruka, and Hinata shared disgusted glances with each other, shaking their heads sadly. Oh, fashion industry, truly your treachery is as limitless as the blue sky above…AH! Lee's absence of youthful phrases is rubbing off- ON ME! SAVE US ALL!

While I went to the doctor, seeking desperate medical attention (I was NOT wearing spandex) Hinata told our two sleuths (Naruto and Iruka) all about several odd and strange habits in the village (who knew Hinata was such a gossip). Finally, an alarm sounded, and Hinata reluctantly got to her feet.

"I have to help Neji with the desparklification treatment," she explained. "But good luck!" Iruka and Naruto thanked her as she flew out the door and a mischievous looking Tomo and Kita showed up in her place, hands behind their back. Oh god.

"Shina paid us to do this," explained Tomo as they revealed a hose and water aimed straight for their faces. Naruto and Iruka shrieked and ducked as water went flying everywhere. When the attack finally ended, the two scamps dropped the hose and ran for their life.

It was to the horror of the two detectives that they realized that their notebook had been completely soaked, and was now illegible. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

A week later, Shina would like to say she hated bells very much.

End

-

Judges: ….

Me: What? I go crazy when I'm depressed.

Judges: …

Me: Shut up.

**Bold: Naruto**

_Italics: Sasuke_

Normal: Tani

-

When Uzumaki Naruto was 13 years old, children didn't cross his mind that much. Technically, (and mentally) he was still a child at that age, and any thought of children came from the small gang that followed him around.

When he was 15, children were the last thing on his mind as he was rather preoccupied with saving Sasuke from himself. The few thoughts on his mind of children were how he wished he would never have to see their dead bodies again. That wish would never come true, he knew.

Around his later years, 20 or so, his thoughts on children were slightly less depressing. His thought was not on children you see, but on the children that he believed would never be, thanks to him, Uchiha children.

He was proven wrong by a trip to the hag's office a few moths later. The next nine months were filled with children, as if to make up from their absence in previous years. It was, "Our kid this", "Our kid that", and "Sasuke, you inconsiderate jerk, your children want ice cream!"

Children were now a firmly parted section in Uzumaki Uchiha Naruto's mind, and more than often that section had taken over everything else. "What do you mean Sasuke will have to be substitute Hokage for the next few months! No kid is worth that- Daddy didn't mean it that way sweetheart, stop crying-" and "Sasuke, I'm not going to do anything while the kid is in the room! You pervert- I know she's only a couple months old, but- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING- Uh! Now she's crying, you terrible father YOU TAKE CARE OF HER!"

Like all parents, his child's future was important to him. As a rule, being an ANBU ninja was off limits. It was two very nervous parents that held hands in the kitchen while their child skipped home from Career Day.

"_**HONEY, YOU'RE NOT BEING AN ANBU MEMBER!" **_

"Okay."

"…**Uh, good. What do you want to be then, sunshine?"**

"_Hn?"_

"I want to be what Mr. Ibiki is!"

"**NOOOOO!"**

"_Tani."_

"Yes father?"

"_Who was in charge of planning career day?"_

"I don't know, father. Probably that weird guy by the entrance with the long tongue. Why? …Father, is daddy going to be okay? Hey! Where are you going? DADDY, WAKE UP! FATHER'S IN SCARY AVENGER MODE AGAIN!"

A few sleeping darts and buckets of cold water later- Sasuke was back at home (after a few strict warnings) and Naruto's injuries were healing. Both were confined to their bed and Tani was sitting on the covers staring reproachfully up at her parents.

"Why can't I be an investigator?" she whined. "I can investigate everything pretty well. I mean, I know all about Daddy's secret stash of cookies and Father's terrible mechanical skills and how every time I touch a snake, a bunch of ninja people with masks pop out from behind trees and-"

In the end, Tani got her way by black mailing her parents for the rest of her life.

The end.

-

/sniffles/ I'm so proud of her! The perfect evil mix!

Judges: …

Me: What is wrong with you?

Random Passerby: Is that duck tape on their mouths?

Me/squints/ Oh. Heehee…How did that happen? Was Tani using you as victims- I mean, enemy ninja, again to interrogate you?

Judges/glare/

Me: What are you talking about? I most certainly didn't give Tani any duct tape!

/kicks roll of tape under the sofa/

Review, and my judges MAY be set free!


End file.
